Now that I’m a bit further past a week in my Facebook purge, it bothers me less and less. Instead, I am going to focus on some other topics and ideas floating through my head. I am going to talk today about fear.
For those who have known me for a while, you are very aware that I’ve had a few serious relationships in my young adulthood. In fact, I’ve been in relationships significantly more than I’ve been out of them. When most people were living up their single years in college, I was dating my high school sweetheart. When many friends were finding themselves as individuals, I was finding myself within another person. I do not write this to complain or that I regret my choices. Far from the opposite – these decisions and relationships helped me become the strong person I am today.
There is one thing i realize though coming out of yet another relationship: I have often used the comfort of relationships as ways to bury my fear and insecurities of becoming an adult. Relationships were always a comfort, security against the pain, suffering and insecurity of everything else around me. Even when they weren’t so fulfilling, they seemed safer than the rest of the messed up world.
Needless to say, I have let fear far too often guide my life’s decisions. As Pema Chodron eloquently states, “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” I am learning on how to become more intimate with my fear and insecurities. I am sitting with my feelings rather than finding something to distract me. I am making goals and plans in my life that down right scare me! It’s frightening and exciting at the same time, as failure is often a great fear. However, in just attempting the path, I know I will grow immensely as a person.
Avoiding the present moment, the fear of the unknown, the mess of our own thoughts – it cheats us out of the beauty of life right now as it is. It’s time move closer to the truth. It’s time to be intimate with my fears.